New Government

Lately, I have had this idea in my head: that governments are nothing more than big businesses, and should be treated as such. And, they should behave as big businesses. The U.S. Government is the largest employer in the country (Wal-Mart being the second largest). The U.S. government is just a big company whose job it is to...well, to govern. They make sure the roads are paved, the enemies stay out, and their job is (or at least should be) to provide a great service to its customers: you and me. We pay a subscription fee (aka "taxes") to live here and take advantage of their services, in the same way that you pay your cable company to enjoy their services, or you pay a membership fee to Sam's Club to take advantage of their company's offerings.

Which brings me to my second realization along this line of thinking. When I think of the U.S. government, I think of a bloated, money-sucking organization which gets bigger and bigger each year, requiring more and more money to operate, but getting no more efficient along the same timeline. This is common among large corporations. But, there comes a point when -- as a survival mechanism -- they must hemorrhage their faulty or inefficient ingredients the way a hot-air ballon loses its sandbags in order to fly. Large organizations must innovate; must change in order to meet the needs of their customers.

So, in my thinking, what the U.S. government lacks is competition. Not competition from other countries (though there is a clear point to be made that, yes, you can enjoy freedoms in Canada, or Denmark, or France, even Cuba, that you cannot find here, and can choose to move to one of those places). What I mean is that there is not an OTHER government you can sign up for here. In other words, the U.S. government is a monopoly. And the power that the government does have has been given to it by the people. We say the government can do as it pleases because we will let it do so, unchecked by us mostly. Its checks-and-balances system exists only within itself. This is the common problem of "who polices the police?" In the corporate sector, this process is built into the free market. Competition checks itself.

Poltical parties are the 'brands' in the market of politics. What brand of politics do you commit your life to? The choices are more limited than they are in the free market. We have dozens of brands of ketchup, but only two notable brands (re: dogmas) of politics.

If America is the epitome of Capitalism, we should be able to sign up for our choice of government, the way you may be able to choose a cellphone provider, or cable company. Would this be privatization gone awry? Discuss....

Business Epiphany #329

I had a realization this morning while I was showering. Sometimes making things super-simple can lead to new discoveries. So, if this epiphany I had seems "obvious," well then consider the fact that noticing obvious things can be revelatory.

Here's the big news: the company that "employs" you is your customer. It may change your view of your job.

Consider this basic business transaction: You go to Quizno's sub shop and order a cheese sandwich. They make the sandwich and serve it to you. You give them some cash in exhange. End of transaction; you go eat your lunch.

They provided a good and/or service (a sandwich and the entertainment of watching them make it). You provided cash. You are their customer.

Your "employer" provides cash (a paycheck) in exchange for a good or service (your work, your knowledge, your time).

The company is your customer.

Randy Newman Sucks

A few weeks ago I was in San Antonio, and my long-time friend Eric Geyer brought up the notion that Randy Newman sucks. I never really thought about it. I always kinda pictured Randy Newman as an "Ogden Nash-ified" Paul Simon. But, Eric read some lyrics to me from one of Newman's popular albums, and, yeah, he sucks.

The Pigeon: an essay

In the summer of 1998 I was living in sin with a woman who was taking undergraduate art classes at the local extension of the University of Texas. The art labs were open all night, for students to use the materials and equipment in the procedures of their assignments. One night, while watching her work in the printmaking lab, I dabbled away the time reading the community posting board which is a common identifier of the university hallway.

A sign asked for participants in a psychology study in exchange for five dollars. Earlier that semester, we had hocked the microwave for grocery money. Five dollars was beer for the both of us.

Within a few days, I was sitting in an isolated classroom with perhaps seven other participants; all young, caucasian men.

Before each of us was a small board that exhibited maybe twenty indented holes. Aside the board was a tray of perhaps a hundred metal pegs. Our assignment was simple: within a given amount of time -- say, thirty seconds -- we must place three metal pegs in each hole using only our non-dominant hand.

The timer started, and we each commenced with the assignment. Some would grab three pegs at a time and place the grouping in each hole. Some chose to place one peg at a time in each hole until three had been achieved, and moved on. Other methods presented themselves.

At the end of the given time, we were asked to stop and to place any pegs we may be holding back into the retaining tray. A young woman went to each desk, recorded our results, and took some additional notes which were unknown to us.

We were thanked for our help in this study, and were handed a survey to fill out: to give our personal impressions of the study and our efforts in the exercise. We were each handed a five dollar bill while our completed surveys were collected.

A young woman approached the front of the room and explained the nature of the study proper,“We are researching how men view their abilities in relation to men of other races.”

The peg exercise was, therefore, a red herring. It was the detailed questions on the survey that were the true excercise, and, yes, a few questions did ask us how each of us felt we had performed the task in relation to, say, how hispanic or black men might perform the same task. There were enough bogus questions on the survey as to throw us off of figuring out the nature of the study, even in the eleventh hour.

Bait and switch.

Midnight Cowboy was advertised as a film about a jolly Texan going to the “Big City” to seek fame. But it delivered a film about loneliness, gender, desperation. Likewise, the car in the newspaper has, upon visiting the dealership, been “sold just an hour ago.” But, there is another car you will love over here and it’s just a little higher in price.

Misdirection bears the badge of “the swindle” -- magicians, salesmen, hustlers -- but would do well to have its name cleared from the trenches as it is the method of true education. The ‘hot date’ was billed as a visit to the movies, but weren’t you thrilled to find that all she wanted was a kiss goodnight? And so it goes. We learn by having the rug pulled out from under us; by having Toto reveal the timid old man operating the levers behind the curtain. The journey did conclude with the Wizard as hoped, but what we were really seeking was knowledge, much to our surprise. We got that too, but had to first be coaxed: hence, the glorious Wizard.

The monster at the end of the book is you.

The bait and switch is the nature of so much honest commerce that we fail to recognize it. People want to feel good about themselves, and it is a particular widget, a specific service -- cleaner carpets, closer parking spaces, a kiss goodnight -- which is here for us to achieve that. We don’t so much want cleaner carpets; we say we want pleasure.

By contrast, remember that appliance you bought that proved to be a lemon? Remember how reluctant you were to tell anyone? To do so is to admit that you, the intelligent consumer, had failed, and, by extension, that you had purchased that exact product to feel better about yourself and that it had not done so. Upon the third visit to the store for repairs, we had to admit a painful truth: it was not only the physical product which was faulty, but it was a defeat for a portion of our feelings. The appliance was a representation of an emotional investment and here it is, broken. Just so, the carpet will get dirty again, and we knew this when we called the cleaner.

We react by concurring that “we’ve learned something” from this experience. We confess that all is not lost and we go about tweaking our defenses so as to avoid getting hurt again. For it is ultimately peace that we all seek, as consumers, as lovers, as voters, as spiritual beings, as students of life.

We work not because we like to stay busy (though we might). We work to put food in our bellies, to take our partner to the film, to get the air conditioner fixed. And yet, at no point during the job interview -- the audition -- can we say so. It is the mode of legitimate commerce, at the outset, to avoid saying the truth (“I like a challenge. I like to work hard”). To do so is accepted, rewarded. You got the job.

Our favorite sports team will, of course, lose. This is why we have a favorite sports team at all. But to celebrate the wins is the bait. And it always has been. We drink to forget our troubles, and yet it is the drinking that is our trouble.

The actor steps on stage and claims to be King Lear. He has to be, because everyone came to see his story. But, he is not King Lear, and he doesn’t need to tell us his story. We know his story. He is going to affirm, through metaphor, that we each are powerless. To recognize this is both disarming and moving. It’s the germinal cause for liturgical experience: communion. Hence, the theatre, the cathedral. For it is God who can show that our hopes can be dashed, and to have them dashed is the point of hoping in the first place. That there very well may be no God is the most tragic joke on the human heart and has the potential to awe, no less, than piety itself. Meanwhile, our tithe buys us time with the holy.

They say you must pick your battles, and to battle entropy in a search for contentment is our life’s work. And we know it.

We vote for the person who said they’d lower the taxes, though we know this will not happen. It never has. The emotional investment is to affirm, for the sake of our own health, that everything “out there” spins without our own personal involvement. When taxes get raised, we recognize the inevitable; that we knew so ahead of time and so chose to be disappointed. And yet we did vote. To confirm our fears. To give up the ghost. To be at peace in the end.

The Greatest Font Ever

Metallophile

Jenny Holzer Moment Deaux

"If your belief system justifies murder, then you need a new belief system."

NEWS FLASH:
The Sneeze Is A Hoax

After the recent, shocking news about Stephen Frey's bestselling memoir, I am going to personally send another thunderbolt through
the internet journalism stratosphere: The Sneeze's popular "No, Steve, Don't Eat It" column is a TOTAL HOAX!

For several years, The Sneeze has presented some of the most-entertaining content on the net (well, non-pron content, that is). Perhaps the most-famous bit is an ongoing column wherein Steve, the sole author, presents firsthand accounts of nasty crap he eats. But, it only takes a moment to read the very-funny accounts before an idea occurs to you: there is not one single photo of him eating any of these delicious morsels. There aren't even any pictures of him in the same room as any of the things he claims to eat! Any reasonable person who does something daring, even death-defying, wants to prove it to the masses, correct? So, why no photos?

I emailed him on two occassions to get his thoughts on what I deem to be unprofessional journalism, if not just blatant lying. However, at this time, he has neither addressed the issue directly on his website, nor has he responded to my queries.

The word is out, Steve. Let the sad, embarrassing story of Stephen Frey become a true inspiration for yourself. Now is the time to come clean: you didn't actually eat silkworm pupae, did you?!!?

The rest of us anxiously await....

Update!

April 10, 2006

Wow! Steve sent me a reply, via his new MySpace account.


"Cris,
All I can tell you is you're wrong. I taste everything I write about. If I didn't, I wouldn't know how to describe it, and I wouldn't be inspired to write what I do.

If you don't choose to believe me, it's your call. Every installment contains clear descriptions of the taste of the food.

I really don't believe people need to see chewed up food in my mouth. If you really want to see that image, go check out your local school cafeteria. I'm sure there will be lots of kids there happy to show it to you. The site is gross enough as it is, in my opinion. :)

Steve"

I replied and thanked him, but I still wasn't buying it. I said that describing a death-defying feat you supposedly performed might just be credited to a vivid imagination. And, yes, I'll take gross, if it validates the events he claims to have had.

I have a feeling more is on the way....

Have I Been Abducted By Aliens?

An unpopular web blog has published some remarkable quesions that might help you (or me) determine if there has been an alien abduction. And when I say 'alien' I mean a little space man from another planet, not someone from a country other than your own. Here we go!

Q: Have had unexplainable missing or lost time of one hour or more.
A: Yes. This is called 'binge drinking.' It is required among all working-class people.

Q: Have been paralyzed in bed with a being in your room.
A: Yes. That 'being' was my Prom date.

Q: Have unusual scars or marks with no possible explanation on how you received them (small scoop indentation, straight line scar, triangular marks, scars in roof of mouth, in nose, behind or in ears, etc.)
A: This happens to everyone. So what?

Q: Have seen balls of light or flashes of light in your home or other locations
A: Actually, yes. I have had two notable encounters with UFOs. No lie. But the most-important part of the acronym 'U.F.O.' is the 'U' which stands for: unidentified. 'Unidentified' does not, by any means, instantly suggest space men from another planet. Cool?

Q: Have a memory of flying through the air which could not be a dream, or many dreams involving flying.
A; Yah. I have had lots of dreams of flying. So does everyone who has ever had a pulse.

Q: Have a strong "marker memory" that will not go away (i.e.: an alien face, an examination, a needle, a table, a strange skinny baby, etc.)
A: I used to have a lot of dreams about being attacked by dogs. Does that count?

Q: Have seen beams of light outside your home, or come into your room through a window.
A: Yes. True. You got me on that one. I have. Well, I have seen beams of light outside my home. Nothing inside.

Q: Have had many dreams of UFOs, beams of light, or alien beings.
A; Nope.

Q: Have had a shocking UFO sighting or multiple sightings in your life.
A; Again, true. Twice.

Q: Have a cosmic awareness, an interest in ecology, environment, vegetarianism, or are very socially conscious.
A: So, being liberal is a result of alien abduction!??!!? Goddam. I am guilty.

Q: Have a strong sense of having a mission or important task to perform, sometime, without knowing where this compulsion is coming from.
A: Ghandi was abducted by aliens? No. So, this question is COMPLETE crap. Sorry.

Q: Have a secret feeling that you are "special" or "chosen," somehow.
A: I AM special. Just like everyone else. (ding)

Q: Have had unexplainable events occur in your life, and felt strangely anxious afterwards.
A; Like the morning after a threesome? OK. Guilty again.

Q: Have had several strange psychic experiences - such as knowing that something is going to happen before it happens.
A; Boring. Happens to everyone.

Q: For women only: Have had false pregnancy or missing fetus. (pregnant, and then not)
A: O SHIT!! NOT FOR WOMEN ONLY! THIS HAPPENED TO ME!

Q: Have awoken in another place than where you went to sleep, or don't remember ever going to sleep. (i.e. waking up with your head at the foot of your bed, or in your car)
A: Debunked as: Lone Star long necks. Next!

Q: Have had a dream of eyes such as animal eyes (like an owl or deer), or remember seeing an animal looking in at you. Also if you have a fear of eyes.
A: This is true! My cats stare at me in my sleep, and I sometimes see them staring at me in my sleep!

Q: Have awoken in the middle of the night startled.
A: Never.

Q: Have strong reaction to cover of Communion or pictures of aliens. Either an aversion to or being drawn to.
A; Who wouldn't? It's a creepy, fetus/insect thing that would cause a reaction in anyone. Dumbass!

Q: Have inexplicably strong fears or phobias. (i.e. heights, snakes, spiders, large insects, certain sounds, bright lights, your personal security or being alone).
A: Dear Woody Allen, you have been abducted by aliens. Love, Cris

Q: Have experienced self-esteem problem much of your life.
A: Lord, have I.

Q: Have seen someone with you become paralyzed, motionless, or frozen in time, especially someone you sleep with.
A: Every woman I sleep with becomes paralyzed, eventually. It's probably from the intense, overpowering lovemaking and not from the alien abductions. Sorry.

Q: Have a memory of having a special place with spiritual significance, when you were a youngster.
A; Boring

Q: Have had someone in your life who claims to have witnessed a ship or alien near you or has witnessed you having been missing.
A; Boring. Next.

Q: Have had, at any time, blood or strangel [sic] stain on sheet or pillow, with no explanation of how it got there.
A; Yes. Normal. Boring.

Q: Have an interest in the subject of UFO sightings or aliens, perhaps compelled to read about it a lot.
A; I did! Yes!

Q: Have an extreme aversion towards the subject of UFO's or aliens - don't want to talk about it.
A: No.

Q: Have been suddenly compelled to drive or walk to an out of the way or unknown area.
A: Yes.

Q: Have the feeling of being watched much of the time, especially at night.
A: This is true! I have had this feeling. But, it's likely because I pay women to peek into my house at night.

Q: Have had dreams of passing through a closed window or solid wall.
A; Never.

Q: Have seen a strange fog or haze that should not be there.
A; Lots of times. It's called 'the first 20 years of my life.'

Q: Have heard strange humming or pulsing sounds, and you could not identify the source.
A: Yes. I think it's my neighbor's vibrator.

Q: Have had unusual nose bleeds at any time in your life. Or have awoken with a nose bleed.
A; Yes. I was on Accutane at the time. This is a common side effect.

Q: Have awoken with soreness in your genitals which can not be explained.
A: Boy, have I!!!!!!! Oh my Gawd!!!

Q: Have had back or neck problems, T-3 vertebrae out often, or awoken with an unusual stiffness in any part of the body.
A: Always.

Q: Have had chronic sinusitis or nasal problems.
A: Lots of times.

Q: Have had electronics around you go haywire or oddly malfunction with no explanation (such as street lights going out as you walk under them, TV's and radios affected as you move close, etc.).
A; Yes. and yes.

Q: Have seen a hooded figure in or near your home, especially next to your bed.
A; Aside from the Klan? No.

Q: Have had frequent or sporadic ringing in your ears, especially in one ear.
A; Huh?

Q: Have an unusual fear of doctors or tend to avoid medical treatment.
A; Sometimes.

Q: Have insomnia or sleep disorders which are puzzling to you.
A: Every GD day of my life.

Q: Have had dreams of doctors or medical procedures.
A: Yes.

Q: Have frequent or sporadic headaches, especially in the sinus, behind one eye, or in one ear.
A; Yes. This question is the most-boring thing EVAR!!!

Q: Have the feeling that you are going crazy for even thinking about these sorts of things.
A: I dated Patti Neff. This is a common side effect from that. (wocka!)

Q: Have had paranormal or psychic experiences, including intuition.
A: 'Intuition' is that Jewel song I keep getting stuck in my head.

Q: Have been prone to compulsive or addictive behavior.
A: Addicted to beer? Yes. This is from alien abductions? OK. Cool.

Q: Have channeled telepathic messages from extraterrestrials.
A: Hmmm. Wait a second. Yes, I have. No. I am lying.

Q: Have simply heard an external voice in your head, speaking to you, perhaps instructing or guiding you.
A: Yes. It's not aliens, though. It's just God again. Jesus.

Q: Have been afraid of your closet, now or as a child.
A: Only because I saw 'Poltergeist' at a young age. Normal.

Q: Have had sexual or relationship problems (such as an odd "feeling" that you must not become involved in a relationship because it would interfere with "something.")
A: OK. Yes. Yes, I have. So, what? Huh!??!??!

Q: Have to sleep against the wall or must sleep with your bed against a wall.
A: Wow. All those people who sleep with their bed in the middle of the room must be sane.

Q: Have a fear that you must be very vigilant or you will be taken away by "someone."
A: Nope.

Q: Have a difficult time trusting other people, especially authority figures.
A: This only is a result of listening to The Clash. No worries there.

Q: Have had dreams of destruction or catastrophe.
A: Actually, yes. Very often.

Q: Have the feeling that you are not supposed to talk about these things, or that you should not talk about them.
A: What 'things' does the refer to?

Q: Have experienced many things in this list, and recall your children or parents speaking of similar experiences on occasion.
A: No.

Q: Have tried to resolve these types of problems with little or no success.
A: No.

Q: Have many of these traits but can't remember anything about an abduction or alien encounter.
A: This is true! I do NOT recall being abducted by aliens. So, it must be true!!!

DUMB!!!!!