Review: Preparing for a Colonoscopy
Grade: D
I am only 31, but I have had to go through a colonoscopy twice in my life. The most-notable portion of this invasive procedure is the preparation, which occurs the day before the colonoscopy. This preparation involves taking several types of laxatives, along with plenty of water and eletrolytes, to keep you from dehydrating. This procedure completely removes everything from your digestive system, giving the doctors a clear path through your large intestine. To be honest, it is 24 hours of voluntary diarrhea.
Upon my most-recent foray into this wonderful world, I injested:
- 4 Dulcolax tablets
- An entire 10 oz. bottle of Magnesium Citrate
- An entire 255 gram bottle of Polyethylene Glycol mixed with a 64 ounce bottle of Gatorade
Let's take a look:
1.
Dulcolax: This is an over-the-counter laxative that is pretty mild, so I don't know why this is included in this regimen. I mean, right after taking these, you will be downing more than enough prescription laxatives to do the job. Maybe some people aren't happy unless they take pills, so these are thrown in as an appetizer.
2.
10 oz. Bottle of Magnesium Citrate: This is an over-the-counter osmotic laxative. It's only about a buck and a half to buy. It works by drawing water out of your body and into your bowels.
3.
255 Grams of Polyethylene Glycol: In case you were wondering, this bears a striking resemblence to Ethylene Glycol and Propylene Glycol,
AKA antifreeze! You think I am kidding. For the remainder of this review, I will refer to this chemical as antifreeze, even though it is not technically such.
Dulcolax
Nothing terribly strange with this one. I started my regimen at about 2:00 in the afternoon by taking 4 Dulcolax with a full pint of water. Mind you, as I was intructed, I had not eaten anything since midnight of the previous night. I was allowed to drink plenty of clear fluids, as long as I didn't drink anything that was red or purple in color. The thing I noticed first off on the "prep" sheet was that there is no mention of beer, my favorite clear fluid. Since I am not one to screw around with medical science, I stuck with their suggestions: tea, water, clear Gatorade (or, in my case, Quench), coffee. I spent the morning with a friend, watching her eat breakfast while I sipped on weak, black coffee. Yummo!
I didn't notice any effects from the Dulcolax when, an hour later I had to undertake the next step...
10 oz. of Magnesium Citrate
The prep sheet said to drink a full 10 oz. bottle of magnesium citrate, as long as it wasn't the cherry flavor. I presume this is because the cherry flavor has red dye in it, a banned substance in this experiment. Well, it took trips to three different pharmacies before I found the much-sought-after lemon lime flavor.
My assessment is that it tastes like really salty 7-UP. It wasn't too bad, actually, and I had downed the entire bottle in about 10 minutes. It went down with such ease that I was able to check emails and take it easy until, well, let's say the effects made themselves known. I maintained a close relationship with the restroom for the next three hours. Then, you see, it was time for the final solution: The Nagasaki of Laxatives.
255g Polyethylene Glycol (Miralax) with 64 oz bottle of Gatorade
The top picture here shows a cup which would equal a normal dose, 7 grams. The second picture is MY dose, a whole bottle of Quench Sports Drink mixed with 255 grams of antifreeze. Mind you I was already pretty sure my entire digestive system was close to fully cleared out when I introduced this A-Bomb. It was at this time that I realized that this regimen was overkill. The last time I had to go through this, all I drank was the bottle of Magnesium Citrate. No pills and no Anti-Freeze RotoRooter.
Like the Magnesium Citrate, I had a hard time finding any kind of Gatorade products in a 64 oz. bottle that weren't red, orange, or purple. I had to race around to 6 different supermarkets before I found the Holy Grail, Citrus-Flavored Quench Drink. After mixing the whole bottle of antifreeze with the whole bottle of Quench in a plastic pitcher, I let it chill in the fridge.
The way you have to down this concoction is to drink an 8 oz. glass every 10 minutes. This is pretty tough to do. Try it with a non-tainted bottle of gatorade. Down a full 8 oz. glass every 10 minutes. If you do the math, you'll notice that you have to do this for a full 2 hours before the bottle is gone. Now imagine doing that while also take a trip to the restroom every 10 minutes. You'll notice that this becomes quite a test in stamina.
As luck would have it, after an hour of binge-drinking the antifreeze mixture, my survival instinct kicked in and I deemed myself done with the course. There was nothing left in my entire digestive system to flush. So, I downed a few glasses of water and spent the rest of the evening familiarizing myself with the restroom, still.
The next morning, my father picked me up and took me to the clinic where I had the colonoscopy. A week later, all of the tests came back fine. I shouldn't need another one for over a decade. Or, I hope, for the rest of my life.
