Have I Been Abducted By Aliens?

An unpopular web blog has published some remarkable quesions that might help you (or me) determine if there has been an alien abduction. And when I say 'alien' I mean a little space man from another planet, not someone from a country other than your own. Here we go!

Q: Have had unexplainable missing or lost time of one hour or more.
A: Yes. This is called 'binge drinking.' It is required among all working-class people.

Q: Have been paralyzed in bed with a being in your room.
A: Yes. That 'being' was my Prom date.

Q: Have unusual scars or marks with no possible explanation on how you received them (small scoop indentation, straight line scar, triangular marks, scars in roof of mouth, in nose, behind or in ears, etc.)
A: This happens to everyone. So what?

Q: Have seen balls of light or flashes of light in your home or other locations
A: Actually, yes. I have had two notable encounters with UFOs. No lie. But the most-important part of the acronym 'U.F.O.' is the 'U' which stands for: unidentified. 'Unidentified' does not, by any means, instantly suggest space men from another planet. Cool?

Q: Have a memory of flying through the air which could not be a dream, or many dreams involving flying.
A; Yah. I have had lots of dreams of flying. So does everyone who has ever had a pulse.

Q: Have a strong "marker memory" that will not go away (i.e.: an alien face, an examination, a needle, a table, a strange skinny baby, etc.)
A: I used to have a lot of dreams about being attacked by dogs. Does that count?

Q: Have seen beams of light outside your home, or come into your room through a window.
A: Yes. True. You got me on that one. I have. Well, I have seen beams of light outside my home. Nothing inside.

Q: Have had many dreams of UFOs, beams of light, or alien beings.
A; Nope.

Q: Have had a shocking UFO sighting or multiple sightings in your life.
A; Again, true. Twice.

Q: Have a cosmic awareness, an interest in ecology, environment, vegetarianism, or are very socially conscious.
A: So, being liberal is a result of alien abduction!??!!? Goddam. I am guilty.

Q: Have a strong sense of having a mission or important task to perform, sometime, without knowing where this compulsion is coming from.
A: Ghandi was abducted by aliens? No. So, this question is COMPLETE crap. Sorry.

Q: Have a secret feeling that you are "special" or "chosen," somehow.
A: I AM special. Just like everyone else. (ding)

Q: Have had unexplainable events occur in your life, and felt strangely anxious afterwards.
A; Like the morning after a threesome? OK. Guilty again.

Q: Have had several strange psychic experiences - such as knowing that something is going to happen before it happens.
A; Boring. Happens to everyone.

Q: For women only: Have had false pregnancy or missing fetus. (pregnant, and then not)
A: O SHIT!! NOT FOR WOMEN ONLY! THIS HAPPENED TO ME!

Q: Have awoken in another place than where you went to sleep, or don't remember ever going to sleep. (i.e. waking up with your head at the foot of your bed, or in your car)
A: Debunked as: Lone Star long necks. Next!

Q: Have had a dream of eyes such as animal eyes (like an owl or deer), or remember seeing an animal looking in at you. Also if you have a fear of eyes.
A: This is true! My cats stare at me in my sleep, and I sometimes see them staring at me in my sleep!

Q: Have awoken in the middle of the night startled.
A: Never.

Q: Have strong reaction to cover of Communion or pictures of aliens. Either an aversion to or being drawn to.
A; Who wouldn't? It's a creepy, fetus/insect thing that would cause a reaction in anyone. Dumbass!

Q: Have inexplicably strong fears or phobias. (i.e. heights, snakes, spiders, large insects, certain sounds, bright lights, your personal security or being alone).
A: Dear Woody Allen, you have been abducted by aliens. Love, Cris

Q: Have experienced self-esteem problem much of your life.
A: Lord, have I.

Q: Have seen someone with you become paralyzed, motionless, or frozen in time, especially someone you sleep with.
A: Every woman I sleep with becomes paralyzed, eventually. It's probably from the intense, overpowering lovemaking and not from the alien abductions. Sorry.

Q: Have a memory of having a special place with spiritual significance, when you were a youngster.
A; Boring

Q: Have had someone in your life who claims to have witnessed a ship or alien near you or has witnessed you having been missing.
A; Boring. Next.

Q: Have had, at any time, blood or strangel [sic] stain on sheet or pillow, with no explanation of how it got there.
A; Yes. Normal. Boring.

Q: Have an interest in the subject of UFO sightings or aliens, perhaps compelled to read about it a lot.
A; I did! Yes!

Q: Have an extreme aversion towards the subject of UFO's or aliens - don't want to talk about it.
A: No.

Q: Have been suddenly compelled to drive or walk to an out of the way or unknown area.
A: Yes.

Q: Have the feeling of being watched much of the time, especially at night.
A: This is true! I have had this feeling. But, it's likely because I pay women to peek into my house at night.

Q: Have had dreams of passing through a closed window or solid wall.
A; Never.

Q: Have seen a strange fog or haze that should not be there.
A; Lots of times. It's called 'the first 20 years of my life.'

Q: Have heard strange humming or pulsing sounds, and you could not identify the source.
A: Yes. I think it's my neighbor's vibrator.

Q: Have had unusual nose bleeds at any time in your life. Or have awoken with a nose bleed.
A; Yes. I was on Accutane at the time. This is a common side effect.

Q: Have awoken with soreness in your genitals which can not be explained.
A: Boy, have I!!!!!!! Oh my Gawd!!!

Q: Have had back or neck problems, T-3 vertebrae out often, or awoken with an unusual stiffness in any part of the body.
A: Always.

Q: Have had chronic sinusitis or nasal problems.
A: Lots of times.

Q: Have had electronics around you go haywire or oddly malfunction with no explanation (such as street lights going out as you walk under them, TV's and radios affected as you move close, etc.).
A; Yes. and yes.

Q: Have seen a hooded figure in or near your home, especially next to your bed.
A; Aside from the Klan? No.

Q: Have had frequent or sporadic ringing in your ears, especially in one ear.
A; Huh?

Q: Have an unusual fear of doctors or tend to avoid medical treatment.
A; Sometimes.

Q: Have insomnia or sleep disorders which are puzzling to you.
A: Every GD day of my life.

Q: Have had dreams of doctors or medical procedures.
A: Yes.

Q: Have frequent or sporadic headaches, especially in the sinus, behind one eye, or in one ear.
A; Yes. This question is the most-boring thing EVAR!!!

Q: Have the feeling that you are going crazy for even thinking about these sorts of things.
A: I dated Patti Neff. This is a common side effect from that. (wocka!)

Q: Have had paranormal or psychic experiences, including intuition.
A: 'Intuition' is that Jewel song I keep getting stuck in my head.

Q: Have been prone to compulsive or addictive behavior.
A: Addicted to beer? Yes. This is from alien abductions? OK. Cool.

Q: Have channeled telepathic messages from extraterrestrials.
A: Hmmm. Wait a second. Yes, I have. No. I am lying.

Q: Have simply heard an external voice in your head, speaking to you, perhaps instructing or guiding you.
A: Yes. It's not aliens, though. It's just God again. Jesus.

Q: Have been afraid of your closet, now or as a child.
A: Only because I saw 'Poltergeist' at a young age. Normal.

Q: Have had sexual or relationship problems (such as an odd "feeling" that you must not become involved in a relationship because it would interfere with "something.")
A: OK. Yes. Yes, I have. So, what? Huh!??!??!

Q: Have to sleep against the wall or must sleep with your bed against a wall.
A: Wow. All those people who sleep with their bed in the middle of the room must be sane.

Q: Have a fear that you must be very vigilant or you will be taken away by "someone."
A: Nope.

Q: Have a difficult time trusting other people, especially authority figures.
A: This only is a result of listening to The Clash. No worries there.

Q: Have had dreams of destruction or catastrophe.
A: Actually, yes. Very often.

Q: Have the feeling that you are not supposed to talk about these things, or that you should not talk about them.
A: What 'things' does the refer to?

Q: Have experienced many things in this list, and recall your children or parents speaking of similar experiences on occasion.
A: No.

Q: Have tried to resolve these types of problems with little or no success.
A: No.

Q: Have many of these traits but can't remember anything about an abduction or alien encounter.
A: This is true! I do NOT recall being abducted by aliens. So, it must be true!!!

DUMB!!!!!