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Metallophile
Friday, November 24, 2006
Thursday, April 13, 2006
Monday, January 23, 2006
NEWS FLASH:
The Sneeze Is A Hoax
After the recent, shocking news about Stephen Frey's bestselling memoir, I am going to personally send another thunderbolt through
the internet journalism stratosphere: The Sneeze's popular "No, Steve, Don't Eat It" column is a TOTAL HOAX!
For several years, The Sneeze has presented some of the most-entertaining content on the net (well, non-pron content, that is). Perhaps the most-famous bit is an ongoing column wherein Steve, the sole author, presents firsthand accounts of nasty crap he eats. But, it only takes a moment to read the very-funny accounts before an idea occurs to you: there is not one single photo of him eating any of these delicious morsels. There aren't even any pictures of him in the same room as any of the things he claims to eat! Any reasonable person who does something daring, even death-defying, wants to prove it to the masses, correct? So, why no photos?
I emailed him on two occassions to get his thoughts on what I deem to be unprofessional journalism, if not just blatant lying. However, at this time, he has neither addressed the issue directly on his website, nor has he responded to my queries.
The word is out, Steve. Let the sad, embarrassing story of Stephen Frey become a true inspiration for yourself. Now is the time to come clean: you didn't actually eat silkworm pupae, did you?!!?
The rest of us anxiously await....
Update!
April 10, 2006
Wow! Steve sent me a reply, via his new MySpace account.
"Cris,
All I can tell you is you're wrong. I taste everything I write about. If I didn't, I wouldn't know how to describe it, and I wouldn't be inspired to write what I do.
If you don't choose to believe me, it's your call. Every installment contains clear descriptions of the taste of the food.
I really don't believe people need to see chewed up food in my mouth. If you really want to see that image, go check out your local school cafeteria. I'm sure there will be lots of kids there happy to show it to you. The site is gross enough as it is, in my opinion. :)
Steve"
I replied and thanked him, but I still wasn't buying it. I said that describing a death-defying feat you supposedly performed might just be credited to a vivid imagination. And, yes, I'll take gross, if it validates the events he claims to have had.
I have a feeling more is on the way....
Tuesday, January 03, 2006
Have I Been Abducted By Aliens?
An unpopular web blog has published some remarkable quesions that might help you (or me) determine if there has been an alien abduction. And when I say 'alien' I mean a little space man from another planet, not someone from a country other than your own. Here we go!
Q: Have had unexplainable missing or lost time of one hour or more.
A: Yes. This is called 'binge drinking.' It is required among all working-class people.
Q: Have been paralyzed in bed with a being in your room.
A: Yes. That 'being' was my Prom date.
Q: Have unusual scars or marks with no possible explanation on how you received them (small scoop indentation, straight line scar, triangular marks, scars in roof of mouth, in nose, behind or in ears, etc.)
A: This happens to everyone. So what?
Q: Have seen balls of light or flashes of light in your home or other locations
A: Actually, yes. I have had two notable encounters with UFOs. No lie. But the most-important part of the acronym 'U.F.O.' is the 'U' which stands for: unidentified. 'Unidentified' does not, by any means, instantly suggest space men from another planet. Cool?
Q: Have a memory of flying through the air which could not be a dream, or many dreams involving flying.
A; Yah. I have had lots of dreams of flying. So does everyone who has ever had a pulse.
Q: Have a strong "marker memory" that will not go away (i.e.: an alien face, an examination, a needle, a table, a strange skinny baby, etc.)
A: I used to have a lot of dreams about being attacked by dogs. Does that count?
Q: Have seen beams of light outside your home, or come into your room through a window.
A: Yes. True. You got me on that one. I have. Well, I have seen beams of light outside my home. Nothing inside.
Q: Have had many dreams of UFOs, beams of light, or alien beings.
A; Nope.
Q: Have had a shocking UFO sighting or multiple sightings in your life.
A; Again, true. Twice.
Q: Have a cosmic awareness, an interest in ecology, environment, vegetarianism, or are very socially conscious.
A: So, being liberal is a result of alien abduction!??!!? Goddam. I am guilty.
Q: Have a strong sense of having a mission or important task to perform, sometime, without knowing where this compulsion is coming from.
A: Ghandi was abducted by aliens? No. So, this question is COMPLETE crap. Sorry.
Q: Have a secret feeling that you are "special" or "chosen," somehow.
A: I AM special. Just like everyone else. (ding)
Q: Have had unexplainable events occur in your life, and felt strangely anxious afterwards.
A; Like the morning after a threesome? OK. Guilty again.
Q: Have had several strange psychic experiences - such as knowing that something is going to happen before it happens.
A; Boring. Happens to everyone.
Q: For women only: Have had false pregnancy or missing fetus. (pregnant, and then not)
A: O SHIT!! NOT FOR WOMEN ONLY! THIS HAPPENED TO ME!
Q: Have awoken in another place than where you went to sleep, or don't remember ever going to sleep. (i.e. waking up with your head at the foot of your bed, or in your car)
A: Debunked as: Lone Star long necks. Next!
Q: Have had a dream of eyes such as animal eyes (like an owl or deer), or remember seeing an animal looking in at you. Also if you have a fear of eyes.
A: This is true! My cats stare at me in my sleep, and I sometimes see them staring at me in my sleep!
Q: Have awoken in the middle of the night startled.
A: Never.
Q: Have strong reaction to cover of Communion or pictures of aliens. Either an aversion to or being drawn to.
A; Who wouldn't? It's a creepy, fetus/insect thing that would cause a reaction in anyone. Dumbass!
Q: Have inexplicably strong fears or phobias. (i.e. heights, snakes, spiders, large insects, certain sounds, bright lights, your personal security or being alone).
A: Dear Woody Allen, you have been abducted by aliens. Love, Cris
Q: Have experienced self-esteem problem much of your life.
A: Lord, have I.
Q: Have seen someone with you become paralyzed, motionless, or frozen in time, especially someone you sleep with.
A: Every woman I sleep with becomes paralyzed, eventually. It's probably from the intense, overpowering lovemaking and not from the alien abductions. Sorry.
Q: Have a memory of having a special place with spiritual significance, when you were a youngster.
A; Boring
Q: Have had someone in your life who claims to have witnessed a ship or alien near you or has witnessed you having been missing.
A; Boring. Next.
Q: Have had, at any time, blood or strangel [sic] stain on sheet or pillow, with no explanation of how it got there.
A; Yes. Normal. Boring.
Q: Have an interest in the subject of UFO sightings or aliens, perhaps compelled to read about it a lot.
A; I did! Yes!
Q: Have an extreme aversion towards the subject of UFO's or aliens - don't want to talk about it.
A: No.
Q: Have been suddenly compelled to drive or walk to an out of the way or unknown area.
A: Yes.
Q: Have the feeling of being watched much of the time, especially at night.
A: This is true! I have had this feeling. But, it's likely because I pay women to peek into my house at night.
Q: Have had dreams of passing through a closed window or solid wall.
A; Never.
Q: Have seen a strange fog or haze that should not be there.
A; Lots of times. It's called 'the first 20 years of my life.'
Q: Have heard strange humming or pulsing sounds, and you could not identify the source.
A: Yes. I think it's my neighbor's vibrator.
Q: Have had unusual nose bleeds at any time in your life. Or have awoken with a nose bleed.
A; Yes. I was on Accutane at the time. This is a common side effect.
Q: Have awoken with soreness in your genitals which can not be explained.
A: Boy, have I!!!!!!! Oh my Gawd!!!
Q: Have had back or neck problems, T-3 vertebrae out often, or awoken with an unusual stiffness in any part of the body.
A: Always.
Q: Have had chronic sinusitis or nasal problems.
A: Lots of times.
Q: Have had electronics around you go haywire or oddly malfunction with no explanation (such as street lights going out as you walk under them, TV's and radios affected as you move close, etc.).
A; Yes. and yes.
Q: Have seen a hooded figure in or near your home, especially next to your bed.
A; Aside from the Klan? No.
Q: Have had frequent or sporadic ringing in your ears, especially in one ear.
A; Huh?
Q: Have an unusual fear of doctors or tend to avoid medical treatment.
A; Sometimes.
Q: Have insomnia or sleep disorders which are puzzling to you.
A: Every GD day of my life.
Q: Have had dreams of doctors or medical procedures.
A: Yes.
Q: Have frequent or sporadic headaches, especially in the sinus, behind one eye, or in one ear.
A; Yes. This question is the most-boring thing EVAR!!!
Q: Have the feeling that you are going crazy for even thinking about these sorts of things.
A: I dated Patti Neff. This is a common side effect from that. (wocka!)
Q: Have had paranormal or psychic experiences, including intuition.
A: 'Intuition' is that Jewel song I keep getting stuck in my head.
Q: Have been prone to compulsive or addictive behavior.
A: Addicted to beer? Yes. This is from alien abductions? OK. Cool.
Q: Have channeled telepathic messages from extraterrestrials.
A: Hmmm. Wait a second. Yes, I have. No. I am lying.
Q: Have simply heard an external voice in your head, speaking to you, perhaps instructing or guiding you.
A: Yes. It's not aliens, though. It's just God again. Jesus.
Q: Have been afraid of your closet, now or as a child.
A: Only because I saw 'Poltergeist' at a young age. Normal.
Q: Have had sexual or relationship problems (such as an odd "feeling" that you must not become involved in a relationship because it would interfere with "something.")
A: OK. Yes. Yes, I have. So, what? Huh!??!??!
Q: Have to sleep against the wall or must sleep with your bed against a wall.
A: Wow. All those people who sleep with their bed in the middle of the room must be sane.
Q: Have a fear that you must be very vigilant or you will be taken away by "someone."
A: Nope.
Q: Have a difficult time trusting other people, especially authority figures.
A: This only is a result of listening to The Clash. No worries there.
Q: Have had dreams of destruction or catastrophe.
A: Actually, yes. Very often.
Q: Have the feeling that you are not supposed to talk about these things, or that you should not talk about them.
A: What 'things' does the refer to?
Q: Have experienced many things in this list, and recall your children or parents speaking of similar experiences on occasion.
A: No.
Q: Have tried to resolve these types of problems with little or no success.
A: No.
Q: Have many of these traits but can't remember anything about an abduction or alien encounter.
A: This is true! I do NOT recall being abducted by aliens. So, it must be true!!!
DUMB!!!!!
Friday, December 30, 2005
Syd Field is a Hack
Many people regard Syd Field as the pinnacle of screenwriting expertise. His many videos and lectures and books garner him much praise from even the best of the Hollywood writers. But, it takes only a second to find out that Syd Field is a hack who has NEVER had a single screenplay produced...ever!! One could say that, while his methods sound attractive, following them can guarantee that your screenplay will NOT be produced.
Monday, December 26, 2005
Sunday, December 04, 2005
Review: Preparing for a Colonoscopy
Grade: D
I am only 31, but I have had to go through a colonoscopy twice in my life. The most-notable portion of this invasive procedure is the preparation, which occurs the day before the colonoscopy. This preparation involves taking several types of laxatives, along with plenty of water and eletrolytes, to keep you from dehydrating. This procedure completely removes everything from your digestive system, giving the doctors a clear path through your large intestine. To be honest, it is 24 hours of voluntary diarrhea.
Upon my most-recent foray into this wonderful world, I injested:
- 4 Dulcolax tablets
- An entire 10 oz. bottle of Magnesium Citrate
- An entire 255 gram bottle of Polyethylene Glycol mixed with a 64 ounce bottle of Gatorade
Let's take a look:
1. Dulcolax: This is an over-the-counter laxative that is pretty mild, so I don't know why this is included in this regimen. I mean, right after taking these, you will be downing more than enough prescription laxatives to do the job. Maybe some people aren't happy unless they take pills, so these are thrown in as an appetizer.
2. 10 oz. Bottle of Magnesium Citrate: This is an over-the-counter osmotic laxative. It's only about a buck and a half to buy. It works by drawing water out of your body and into your bowels.
3. 255 Grams of Polyethylene Glycol: In case you were wondering, this bears a striking resemblence to Ethylene Glycol and Propylene Glycol, AKA antifreeze! You think I am kidding. For the remainder of this review, I will refer to this chemical as antifreeze, even though it is not technically such.
Dulcolax
Nothing terribly strange with this one. I started my regimen at about 2:00 in the afternoon by taking 4 Dulcolax with a full pint of water. Mind you, as I was intructed, I had not eaten anything since midnight of the previous night. I was allowed to drink plenty of clear fluids, as long as I didn't drink anything that was red or purple in color. The thing I noticed first off on the "prep" sheet was that there is no mention of beer, my favorite clear fluid. Since I am not one to screw around with medical science, I stuck with their suggestions: tea, water, clear Gatorade (or, in my case, Quench), coffee. I spent the morning with a friend, watching her eat breakfast while I sipped on weak, black coffee. Yummo!
I didn't notice any effects from the Dulcolax when, an hour later I had to undertake the next step...
10 oz. of Magnesium Citrate
The prep sheet said to drink a full 10 oz. bottle of magnesium citrate, as long as it wasn't the cherry flavor. I presume this is because the cherry flavor has red dye in it, a banned substance in this experiment. Well, it took trips to three different pharmacies before I found the much-sought-after lemon lime flavor.
My assessment is that it tastes like really salty 7-UP. It wasn't too bad, actually, and I had downed the entire bottle in about 10 minutes. It went down with such ease that I was able to check emails and take it easy until, well, let's say the effects made themselves known. I maintained a close relationship with the restroom for the next three hours. Then, you see, it was time for the final solution: The Nagasaki of Laxatives.
255g Polyethylene Glycol (Miralax) with 64 oz bottle of Gatorade
The top picture here shows a cup which would equal a normal dose, 7 grams. The second picture is MY dose, a whole bottle of Quench Sports Drink mixed with 255 grams of antifreeze. Mind you I was already pretty sure my entire digestive system was close to fully cleared out when I introduced this A-Bomb. It was at this time that I realized that this regimen was overkill. The last time I had to go through this, all I drank was the bottle of Magnesium Citrate. No pills and no Anti-Freeze RotoRooter.
Like the Magnesium Citrate, I had a hard time finding any kind of Gatorade products in a 64 oz. bottle that weren't red, orange, or purple. I had to race around to 6 different supermarkets before I found the Holy Grail, Citrus-Flavored Quench Drink. After mixing the whole bottle of antifreeze with the whole bottle of Quench in a plastic pitcher, I let it chill in the fridge.
The way you have to down this concoction is to drink an 8 oz. glass every 10 minutes. This is pretty tough to do. Try it with a non-tainted bottle of gatorade. Down a full 8 oz. glass every 10 minutes. If you do the math, you'll notice that you have to do this for a full 2 hours before the bottle is gone. Now imagine doing that while also take a trip to the restroom every 10 minutes. You'll notice that this becomes quite a test in stamina.
As luck would have it, after an hour of binge-drinking the antifreeze mixture, my survival instinct kicked in and I deemed myself done with the course. There was nothing left in my entire digestive system to flush. So, I downed a few glasses of water and spent the rest of the evening familiarizing myself with the restroom, still.
The next morning, my father picked me up and took me to the clinic where I had the colonoscopy. A week later, all of the tests came back fine. I shouldn't need another one for over a decade. Or, I hope, for the rest of my life.
Saturday, November 12, 2005
Review:
Shopping for Coffee Tables
Grade: D
I spent most of this afternoon looking for a coffee table. Since I don't have a sofa or loveseat and I really don't drink much coffee, one might say that a coffee table is not high on my list of priorities. Well, I plan on buying a loveseat soon. But, in reality, there are two obvious reasons I want a coffee table:
1. I need some place to put old issues of Nest Magazine and ArtForum.
2. The cats need another level to jump on.
Now, I went to all of these places and found not one coffee table that was affordable and presentable:
Nadda. In hindsight, I think I was looking in places that I secretly knew wouldn't have good coffee tables. The reason is complicated. I want a coffee table because it will look really awkward by itself in my living room, causing me to feel pressured to buy a loveseat sooner to go with the coffee table, and the loveseat is a piece of furniture whose very purpose is to provide a place for making out with someone and so if I prevented myself from buying a coffee table, then I know I won't have to live with the grief of having a loveseat that sits there reminding me that I am not making out with anyone. Maybe I should just buy a recliner.
Friday, November 11, 2005
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